Mental Health · Self · Uncategorized · Wellbeing

It’s OK not to be OK.

Survive

It’s not like the world is ending. What are you so upset about? You need to snap out of it! Maybe it’s my fault. It must be, I raised you.

You just have to get up and get on with it. Life goes on. Stop being so dramatic!

If you’ve ever suffered from a Mental Health issue, you’ll have heard all of these at least once. Mental Health is a pretty new topic, so generally people don’t understand it.

I do wonder sometimes how the previous generation dealt with issues surrounding it. Or is it something that we have made up recently? I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I do wonder. Did they just suffer in silence?

I didn’t choose to suffer. I woke up on Christmas morning and felt exhausted. I had no appetite either for food or festivities. I can unequivocally say, it just happened. I wasn’t thinking of anything in particular to bring on this alien feeling. That’s the best way I can describe it. Over the next few days, my body began to shut down. I could feel myself falling. I was experiencing an anxiety that I’d never felt. I wanted to run. But in those moments, I’d have been too weak.

It’s an odd feeling, the loss of control of ones’ self. That year, I’d opened a business that wasn’t going very well. A 5 year, toxic relationship had ended, and with it, my connection to my goddaughter and her sister. It was a bittersweet feeling. Relief, but the fear of making the wrong decision, yet an aching need to believe that it was for the best.

Take these anti-depressants. That was the doctors advice. Whether I should or shouldn’t have, I didn’t take them. I couldn’t face that I, the strong one, wouldn’t be able to fight my out into the light. I’m all about light and love. Spreading both liberally like butter on toast.

People are drawn to me. They open up like a flower in bloom, telling me their hopes and dreams, fears, despair, heartache. I take it all in, and I respond with empathy, love and light. Maybe that’s why I broke. I hadn’t shared my dreams, fears, crippling self doubt. I’d internalised it. It’s always been there. The bullying in school, the rejection of girls, the failure to become a star. The star they all thought I would be.

Had I let everyone down? Had I taken on too much with the new business? These were questions I was asking myself regularly.

At the time, I was dating a young woman, who had the world at her feet. I was enamoured by her, but at the same time, I had a nagging feeling that I wasn’t quite what she was looking for. I don’t think she even knew. But of course, I let her keep me just close enough to satisfy her, and far away enough for me to start doubting myself.

Bear in mind, I was already fragile (a word I hated then but accept now). I hadn’t dealt with the break up of my relationship and its ramifications. I also hadn’t dealt with losing my girls, her sisters, who I’d known since birth. I didn’t have clue how to make my business successful, and I’d spent the latter part of the year in a maze.

She treated me how I let her treat me.

It was my fault. Admitting that, gave me back ownership of myself. Survival mode kicked in. She wasn’t the problem. I was. Even if she was toxic, I allowed it. My business was failing because of me. My doubts, fears and self-loathing.

I had to find a way to survive. To thrive, to push further and conquer myself. I was my biggest obstacle.

But there was hope. I just had to allow myself time. Time to grieve, time to heal. When was the last time you gave yourself a break? Complimented yourself? Thanked the universe for your many blessing?

Tell yourself every day; I Am Worthy.

Of love, freedom, hope, healing. I am worthy of forgiveness, of time, of health.

I had to. Over and over again until I believed it. It takes time.

All Things In Time.